Follow Through

I hate to say this but i don't remember the last time i actually wrote something. I was so used to having to write things a certain way for English class that when i would try to write it would end up sounding like an essay. So here is to the start of something new, something i have missed doing-and just write anything i want to because i can.

I believe that i am a strong person...a sensitive person but very strong. I have gone through a nice amount of bad situations, just like everyone else, but i can actually say i am proud of the way i handle things. I used to not be strong, in fact when i was little i was just like Chuckie Finster from the show the Rugrats i was terrified of absolutely anything and everything. I used to have severe panic, and anxiety attacks and it took me a while to actually be able to spend the night at someone's house without getting upset. I remember crying to my dad telling him i hated who i was i hated that i was emotional and sensitive, i hated being scared all the time, and it was my dad who helped me through it. My mom helped too but my dad had the same problems as i did when he was younger. I am  not exactly sure when it was that i could leave the house with a friend without feeling nauseous and scared but i think it was sometime in 8th grade. And i remember how amazing i had felt being able to do anything i wanted without being so nervous for once in my life. 

I started trying out for stuff in chorus, just so i could get over being nervous in front of my peers. I wanted so desperately to be brave and strong, to the point that i finally figured out that i could be brave and strong and still be emotional and sensitive.

Since January 1st 2009, my life has had a ton of downs and not enough ups...since this past week my life started going up and i really don't see it going back down for a very long time. 

As most of you know i dated a guy named Dave for 6 months, we broke up almost a month ago. Dave was my first real sincere be myself, walls down, honest relationship. He was the first guy i dated that i was able to look in the eyes, sing in front of in the car, introduce to my parents...all the stuff that i could never do before. Our relationship was a good one, except for the fact that the majority of it was long distance because i'm away at school and he was at home. I constantly felt like i had to babysit him, tell him to get out of bed and find a better job, or get out of bed and apply to community college...anything. I was constantly making sure he was doing ok instead of making sure i was ok. he broke up with me in a really crappy way...through text knowing i had to go to class and he turned off his phone. As much as i hate him for that i actually appreciate it in a really strange way...it allowed me to see who he really was, and that i could never go back with him. I love that i have goals and dreams and i love that i am on the road to reaching them, when i told him that he said i have goals and stuff but i don't know what they are. I am ok with the fact that him, and i broke up due to the fact that i was in college...and doing something with my life. When him and i broke up i cried, i cried alot at first...but i immediately went to the gym, hung out with my friends...got out of my room instead of waiting around for a text from him. 

My professors have noticed in a change in me, they said i don't look so stressed or tired anymore. That i truly look happy and chipper, and more confident (which is a huge deal for me). Not only did they see it which is great but i see it now too. I stopped drinking soda, and i am not drinking caffeine anymore, unless i drink tea which i don't drink much anymore. I am going to the gym and just living my life. 

My eyes are open and i see the world in a different light now. I am so thankful Dave and i dated, i don't regret it one bit. I am happy that we dated when we did, so i can finally see what i deserve and truly need (he gave me what i needed but i deserve more) I am so happy that i am only 19 years old and i can see that now...that i am not 30 and trying to go back and figure out what i was missing out in my life. 

I miss having someone there for me 24 hours and tell me that they loved me all the time. But the thing is, i do have someone, i have myself and i always forgot that even though my dad was constantly telling me that i needed to love myself, it took until this incident to truly appreciate myself for who i really am. 

Follow Through By Gavin DeGraw

Oh this is the start of something good don't you agree? I, haven't felt like this in so many moons you know what I mean and we can build through this destruction as we are standing on our feet"